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He plunks down onto the bench beside me. I’m already dressed and showered, my scene having finished a while ago. It looks like Alex is just getting here. The locker room is empty except for us.
“You know why I’m here,” he says, tone serious.
“I do.”
“Before you tell me what I want to know, I’m going to tell you something.”
Oh boy.
“We’ve worked together for years,” he says.
“Yes,” I agree.
“And while I push sometimes, I know when to back off.”
“Okay,” I say slowly.
“I’m not backing off this time,” he says, hazel eyes bright. “And do you know why?”
I’m afraid to ask.
“Teddy Bear, you’re always looking after others. You’re like a quiet sentinel, watching, checking in, making sure we’re all okay. You do that caretaker thing of yours, but you never let anyone look after you.”
“I—”
“It’s true,” Alex barrels on. “And don’t try to tell me otherwise. You’re like one-way glass. You keep a wall up to protect yourself, and I get it. We all have secrets. But damn it, Teddy, we’re here for you. Every single person inside this building wants what’s best for you. It’s okay to let us in. We’re not going to fuck you over like whoever it was that broke your heart.”
Silence falls for an extended beat, my hammering pulse the only sound I hear.
“It was a boyfriend,” I admit. “And my brother.”
Because they both broke my heart. For different reasons, yes, but equally painful in the end. And Alex is right. I haven’t shared with these people, haven’t wanted to let myself be vulnerable to anyone again. But it’s too late for that, isn’t it? I’m already cracking apart, those tender insides exposed to the air. I let Kipp seep his way in, and now, I’m not sure how to go about shoring myself back up.
I’m not even sure I want to.
“Oh, boo,” Alex says softly, rubbing my back. “I’m so sorry.”
“I got into porn because I didn’t want to risk my feelings again,” I tell him, the words spilling free. “I used to be a lawyer. Still am, technically.”
“I heard that.”
“I’m from Quebec,” I go on. “I have dual citizenship.”
“That’s—”
“And I’m pretty sure I’m head over heels in love with Kipp.”
Alex stills. “Teddy.”
“I’m terrified,” I tell him, meeting his gaze. “Scared shitless. I fucking love him, and I’m pretty sure I have since before we got married.”
It was love from afar, maybe, but I knew the potential was there. I knew it. It was all the little things. Like how Kipp’s smile made me feel soft, even if it wasn’t aimed at me. How, every time he’d dance with someone else, I’d watch him, seeing the cues he left that his partners never picked up. The fact that he was frantically searching for someone to take over. To just take over already and let him relax for once. It was how I knew I could be that man. I knew I could make him happy if only he’d let me.
I just wouldn’t let myself.
Until the night when everything changed.
And now… Now I’ve seen that smile aimed at me. I’ve tasted his lips, his tears, his cock. I’ve held him and shared his bed and heard his laugh every single day. I know how utterly right it feels to be the one to take care of him. And I don’t think I can give that up. If Kipp left, I think he would take that piece of me with him. Strip it right from my bones. I want to be his husband. For real. For better or for worse and in all the ways that count.
