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23
Kace
Amaya is the closest I’ve ever been to true happiness.
The purest kind of happiness that doesn’t dull over time. The guys and I are tight, and we rarely seek connections outside our circle, yet Amaya managed to integrate herself seamlessly into our structure. Since day one it’s felt natural. As if she had always belonged here with us, despite her doubts and her resistance.
She chose to walk away. I don’t know why. I wish I did.
She won’t tell us, and no matter how hard we press her, we won’t get the truth out of her unless she wills it. At least I know that our first night together yielded something incredible, albeit unplanned. Learning that Mikey is, in fact, my son, has put things in a different perspective. At first, I could envision a life with her and the guys. We’d be her and Mikey’s new family. Their protectors. Their home. And they would be ours.
But they’ve always been that. Amaya became my woman the first time we were together. The minute life took form in her womb, we were forever bound. No wonder I pined after her in the years that she was away. No wonder she kept crossing my mind, even when I was trying to move on with someone else.
To see her walking away now, again, makes my heart hurt. Deeper than ever before. Every time I watch Amaya head for the door, there’s a fear inside of me that takes hold and reminds me that nothing is meant to last forever.
“Are you sure that this is what you want to do?” I ask Amaya one more time.
I don’t even have the strength to put my clothes back on. I literally poured everything I had inside of her mere minutes ago. Dressed and wearing her hair over one shoulder, trying to keep herself as stoic as possible as she reaches for the door, Amaya turns to look at us.
“I’d appreciate it if you could respect my decision,” she says.
Each of these words is like a dagger to an already bleeding heart. How much more of this can I take before I lose my fucking mind? Every fiber in her body screams for us, yet she is intent on walking away. Every sparkle in her eyes cries out for our love, for our touch, yet she is determined to end everything here. I don’t know what I can do to make everything right when I don’t know what is actually wrong. It wasn’t about Mikey, that much is clear. We could’ve patched things up the minute I told her that I knew. We didn’t.
Is her pride really this big and deadly?
Finn and Elias are just as frustrated. Just as miserable.
“I have always respected your decision,” I reply. “All three of us, for that matter.”
“Thank you. You can email the letter, if that’s cool,” she says.
I nod slowly, and she walks out, closing the door behind her.
We’re left sitting on the sofa, buck-naked and spent, our hopes shattered and our souls twisted into painful pretzels as we try to wrap our heads around what just happened. That’s a challenge. We caved in so fast. Amaya, too. One touch was all she needed to fall apart at the seams, to give into the insane chemistry that had us orbiting each other so beautifully.
All of a sudden, my life feels empty.
“What kind of men are we?” I ask, staring straight ahead.
“What do you mean?” Elias responds.
“We just let her walk out on us. Again,” I say.
“That’s what men do, Kace,” Finn reminds me. “As painful and as uncomfortable as it is. We let her walk out if it’s what she wants.”
I don’t believe it’s what she truly wants. “But is it, though?”
“Clearly, no,” Elias says. “She thinks it is. She’s manifesting it. We need patience.”
“You make it sound so fucking easy, dude,” I chuckle bitterly. I’m cold. Paralyzed. Terrified of tomorrow because Amaya won’t be a part of it. I’ve been struggling with a growing need to see Mikey, too. To get to know him better, to move closer into his world, to be his father.
It’s not right for him to grow up like this. It’s not right for Amaya, either. “Why is she so hell bent on running away from us, though? I don’t get it.”
Finn sighs deeply, and I can almost feel his pain as it echoes mine. Our clothes still lay on the floor but we’re too dazed, confused, and heartbroken to care. “Whatever it is, it is seriously messing with her wiring. Amaya is intensely emotional, switching from one temperature to another in the span of minutes.”
“She’s scared,” Elias says. “And she is trying to convince herself that she’s better off on her own.”
“She hasn’t rejected any of our gifts,” I reply. “Then again, she does need the help, and she has to set her pride aside if only to make Mikey’s life a tad easier. What do we do?”
