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“I know what I said.”
“Why, then? Why lie?”
“I’m afraid, okay? I’m afraid you’ll try to take him away from me. I’m afraid that being a single mother and struggling in-between jobs will be enough reason for you to try and take him, and that the court will agree you’re the better suited parent.”
Kace looks devastated as he stares at me. “Is that what you think of me? That I’m some kind of monster?”
“We’re all monsters inside.” Look at how I left you and Elias and Finn. Yes, I’m a monster, too, but at least I acted out of fear.
“Amaya, you couldn’t be more wrong. I would never do that to you. I see how happy and healthy Mikey is. He loves you to the moon and back. You’re the center of his universe and a good mom. I wouldn’t do that to him, or to you. If anything, you’re the one making the situation worse.”
“Oh?” I feel my eyebrows pop upward.
“You left a perfectly good job, a career, a promising career, and you won’t even tell me why,” Kace says. “Whatever it is you’re dealing with, we can work through it.”
Common sense isn’t my best trait. Not right now, anyway. It could be the pregnancy hormones. My stubbornness. My fear of failure, fear of abandonment. It might be an unresolved issue with myself after what happened with Derrick. Or it’s all of the above, and I just can’t find my footing anymore.
“Kace, I just need some space to figure things out. I made a conscious decision to leave the estate. My reason for said decision is mine and mine alone. If you can’t respect that, it’s your problem.”
“What are you going to do, then? Got another job lined up?” he retorts, growing increasingly frustrated. I know I’m not helping, either. Our tempers are flaring, and neither of us seems able to hold back for much longer. How the hell do I tell him I’m pregnant? He knows about Mikey now. He’s angry I left and he has every reason to be. God, how did things get so messy? “What are you going to do, Amaya?”
“I’ve got a few job offers,” I say, half-heartedly.
“What about Mikey? Your rent? How long until your savings go dry, huh?”
“It’s none of your business,” I snap. It’s like I’m having an out-of-body experience where I’m stuck in my car and my terrified inner child has taken over the wheel. The brakes are faulty and there’s a big abyss opening up ahead. “Kace, I’ve got this. You don’t have to worry. I’ve handled myself so far, I’ll manage.”
“I’m not letting you do this alone anymore,” he says.
“I don’t need you to save me! I don’t need you or Elias or Finn to save me! You have your lives and your businesses and your crypto-currency and your Ramadas and your whatever else! Let’s face it, you’re busy enough without me cluttering your existence further. You didn’t ask for Mikey to be born, he was my choice, my decision. He’s mine to raise.”
I don’t know where I’ve mustered this sudden burst of strength, but I let the adrenaline blow through me as I push Kace back outside. He doesn’t resist. As soon as he’s out, I shut the door in his face and lock it. My fingers shake. My knees are weak.
I need a moment.
But the moment never comes. Only tears and more anger. I keep making things worse, and the day will come when I find myself with a hefty bill to pay. One way or another, I must forge ahead. I must prove to myself that I can do this. My mistakes. My decisions. My life. It took me so long to regain my autonomy after Derrick’s emotional abuse.
I’ve become too hardened.
Scared and flailing aimlessly.
Crying my heart out and again regretting every damn word that came out of my mouth.
21
Amaya
As the weeks go by, misery becomes my steady companion. I’ve been down this road before, but never at such a level of self-punishment. Mira keeps insisting that I patch things up with the guys. Tanya checks in on me regularly, begging me to come back to the estate. Mikey misses the friends he made in daycare.
Yet I feel like I’ve done too much damage to my relationship with the guys. I feel like it’s too late for any kind of reconciliation. Hell, if I take a step toward them now, I feel like I will lose whatever dignity I’ve got left.
I’ve allowed myself to become a victim of my emotions, letting them lead where reason and logic should always prevail. I’m doing the one thing I swore I’d never do again, albeit in different circumstances.
I’m starting to think that I’m the toxic element this time around. It’s a hard pill to swallow. I’ve got to sit with this for a while longer, at least until I regain enough clarity and common sense to do the right thing.
In the meantime, however, I’ve been keeping my distance from Kace, Finn, and Elias. Not today, though. Today, the circumstances demand that I reach out. And I’m furious with myself over it. I keep a smile on for Mikey though.
“Nikki is going to be here in a minute, honey,” I tell Mikey as I get ready to go out.
