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I could voice all the thoughts racing through my veins, but then I would leave, and that would just cause trouble that I don’t want to deal with. So, instead, I just bring my lips to his.
My eyes wander to the floor, where I spot his phone, and my heart and body relax.
He grabs my waist, hoisting me onto his lap and bringing his hands up my shirt as he drags his fingers against my spine. His dick pushes up against my inner thigh, igniting a bigger fire as we continue to make out. We break apart, and he sinks his teeth into my neck. I stiffen, a grimace from his presence against my skin.
Nerves course through my body, making my fingertips feel numb. My fingers tighten around the collar of his shirt, which he mistakes for pleasure and not the fire against my skin saying abort. I can’t leave until I fill in whatever I’m missing. I close my eyes and go through the motions waiting for it to be over.
I don’t hate sex, not in the least. I actually like the thrill of the climax—or at least whatever these guys can give me that imitates a climax. I just know what they see me as, which is why I cut the small talk short. I want it to be done as quickly as possible. I’ll get my high, and they’ll get their fetish.
Being here isn’t healthy, but it is the only way I can feel this fire on my skin. Other high schoolers get the chance to experience relationships and affection. They get to experience love. It’s not like what I’m feeling now is love, but I can’t just go to a party, see someone, and decide I’m going to hook up with them. I have to plan and sneak around with men who think my existence is a fetish.
I want to feel loved, and this is the closest I can get to it right now—maybe even for the rest of my life. Am I really going to settle for a bar that is six feet under?
The rest of the night is filled with empty emotions that fade shortly after they arrive. He didn’t last long, and now his body fills up half of the bed. He asked to cuddle afterward. I wanted to say no, because touching him anymore would make my skin crawl. But he looked just as desperate as me, so I let him wrap his arms around me and hold me tight, pretending this meant something
The night drags on as the clock ticks, synchronizing with his breaths.
Sleep.
He’s asleep, which means I can leave and not have to deal with the post thoughts that would come out after he wakes up.
I take his arm off me and slip out of the bed, quickly picking up the discarded clothing and putting mine back on.
Just as I am about to make my departure, his phone lights up. In the heat of the moment, he had dropped it onto the floor. My curiosity strikes, and I pick up the phone to see what the notification is, but all I see is the lock screen.
A wife and kids.
He has a wife and kids.
The text reads: Hope you got in safe from your business trip.
The photo is of him, a woman, and two little kids, all of them smiling like they are the happiest family ever. Looks just like the type of photos that decorate my house.
I’m ruining a family.
CHAPTER FOUR
Sally
The next day sucked, and so did the day after that. It’s been three days since I came back from my hookup, and I haven’t left my room unless it was for food. Though, I only left for dinner because Moms would tear down my door if I didn’t show up.
Ma has one rule, and that is no matter what is happening in our lives, we always show up for dinner. Family dinner is important in our house, and I won’t take it for granted—not when I didn’t experience it for most of my life.
If my parents ever find out what I’m doing, they will wring me out to dry.
I sit on my bed, playing with a mechanical pencil and staring at the vlogging camera in front of me. The camera is on, but the memory card is on the desk next to it. So many hours of me talking about everything in my life, including these weekly trips, yet nothing is coming out. I feel like a failure.
My phone lights up with a notification, and my mind is immediately back at the motel.
The door opens, and Ella walks through, looking directly at me before rolling her eyes. I’m surprised they haven’t fallen out yet.
She walks over to the second desk that happens to be right next to mine. We pretty much had the same classes throughout high school, so it was easy for us to work together. My phone goes off again, causing me to cringe. Ella checks her phone before looking back at me.
“It’s the family group chat.” Ella says, throwing me a pity smile before walking out of the room just as quickly as she came in. I’m sure she knows about my trips to the motel, but she’s never been the type to pry.
Lotte
Dick, I need a picture of baby Emmy
