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I already knew my birth parents were happier without me, but the idea still stings. Part of me wanted them to be miserable. The letter rings in my ear.
I saw my husband smile again, and he felt like my husband again.
I can’t blame myself for also being happier when I got adopted.
“Maybe he’s”—I cringe at the fact that I misgendered myself—“happier now.”
I was happier.
I am happier.
“Yeah.”
I need to do this. Maybe knowing that I’m here and fine will make all the hurt in his voice disperse. I’m here with him again.
“I don’t even think that makes me feel better,” he says coolly. “If he’s in a better place, why haven’t I heard from him in six years?” he chokes on his own voice. “If he’s so happy, maybe he forgot about me. Abandoned me to live a life we wanted to get away from. It wasn’t his choice to leave, but it was his choice to stay away.”
My eyes sting, hot from his words. They strike me like fists that hammer into both my heart and head. I won’t apologize for being adopted into the Reed family. I hate that he might be right, though. I never reached out, and in my attempt to push Alliance out of my mind, he went along with those memories.
Will it be the same when I leave? Will I leave him again? I don’t know what’s worse, him rejecting my existence or the fact that I’ll never come back. This city will always be hell.
“Sally…” His hands cup my face, dragging me out of my thoughts. We stare into each other’s eyes. His sea-green eyes are still glistening but with a different emotion from before. “Why are you crying again?”
I am crying again because I might ruin him, just like our parents.
My tears stream down his hands. Please stop. I can’t do this in front of him. I can’t give him what he wants and then take it away again.
What hurts the most is the swell of passion swirling like a hurricane, replacing the green with desire. I know what people look like when they want to kiss me. I know what lust looks like. Every time I escape from my world into the arms of someone temporary, they have that same lust. What hurts is I want him to kiss me, but I can’t do that to him.
“I can’t do this,” I whisper, and his concern turns into confusion.
“What do you mean?” His thumb wipes away the last remnants of my tears. “I’m sorry I yelled earlier.”
“No.” I pull away from his hold. “I can’t do whatever this is.” I need to leave before I lose the little strength I have.
I stand up, but Oliver grabs hold of my hand as he stays seated on the roof. “You’re not making any sense, princess.”
“This makes no sense,” I say, motioning between us.
His jaw ticks. “Why not?”
“Because I’m leaving the minute this house is taken care of, and I don’t plan on coming back.”
Oliver is quick to his feet, standing only a few inches above, but it might as well feel like a tower in difference with his gaze peering down at me.
“You don’t even want to try?”
“There’s nothing to try,” I say with a fake smile. I need him to hurt just enough to stop pursuing me.
“You’re lying,” he growls.
“I’m going to college, and you are going to stay here, doing whatever you want.” Before he can reach for me again, I descend into the house. I hear him call after me, but I don’t stop. If I look back at him or I’ll hurt him even more.
I make my way into my room and lock my door. Not even a second later, a knock sounds through the room. I feel the vibrations of the wood as my body presses against the frame.
“Sally, please,” he mutters through the wood. “Tell me what’s going on.”
I stay silent, pressing my hand to my mouth to bite back the sobs that want to break free. His voice quivers again, but this time, there is a bob of his throat, like he’s swallowing his pain.
