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EPILOGUE I (Gino and Muse)
MUSE
August, 1997
Gino was capable of many things; sometimes I thought about him as almighty – the almighty lover, the almighty boss – but he didn’t make time go slower. No, that was just my nerves.
Today was the day I would become his wife…and I felt dreadful. It was almost like someone grabbed me by the throat and refused to let go. Where should I go? What should I do? What was I here? My mind was scattered and unable to come up with an answer.
Since six in the morning, the house had been a beehive, vibrating because of all of the people that were running around. Gino was dragged away as soon as we woke up and Roman took him God-knows-where to get ready with all the men while every woman I ever met was here, in our house, helping me get ready. Lola had organized an army of people – someone was here to wash my hair, someone was here to style my hair, there was a facial woman, a make-up artist, a second make-up artist, a stylist that helped me get into the wedding dress. Everyone was fussing over me and after hours of being pampered, I was finally ready and gawking at my reflection in the mirror. My hair was pinned up in some complicated coiffeur over which my fifteen-foot-long veil was carefully arranged. I had diamonds on my ears, arms, and a thick gold chain, also encrusted with diamonds around my neck. The chain was a present from Simona Nucci, my future mother-in-law, one of the many she gave me for this wedding, and it was beautiful, but it started to feel like a very tight collar. My shoes were also custom-made by an Italian designer – white satin and more sparkly stones. I felt like one very expensive doll.
The only thing that felt light to wear was my wedding dress. Catherinelle had arranged for me to work with incredible people to make my wedding dress and no one but me had an input on the design. I chose a mermaid dress, with simple lines and lace going down my arms. It was nothing special or fastidious, but it made me feel comfortable and beautiful, and I was excited for Gino to see me wearing it for the first time.
“Muse, dear.” Simona’s voice made me jump in my chair. “Let me look at you.” She covered her mouth, trying to hold back tears. This was a big day for her. Gino was her only son and he was getting married. It was a big day for a lot of people who looked up to him.
“Simona, don’t make me start crying too.”
“I’m sorry. I’ll try and control myself. You are so beautiful, Muse. I’m sure your mother is looking down on you with a radiant smile on her face.” I smiled at her, grateful for the kindness, but I refused to think about my family. If I let myself go down that rabbit hole, I’d just spend the entire day crying and the whole point of this wedding was having a new start. It was my shot at happiness with the man I loved more than anything in the world.
Catherinelle showed up from around the corner with a towel around her hair and a glass of champagne in her hand.
“Oh.” She stopped when she saw me. It was a reaction I got a lot today. Lola had to leave the room when my hair and makeup was done to not start crying and while I appreciated all of them, it started to become a little overwhelming. “Muse, you look like an angel. Look at you!”
“Thank you, Cat. And thank you for helping me with the entire wedding. I would have been lost without you.” And it was the truth. Planning a wedding with Gino was like planning a banquet at the White House. Everything had to be superior, prime quality, flashy. The guest list was a nightmare since I had no idea how many friends the Nucci family had, and making a seating chart for everyone was even worse. Catherinelle helped me to navigate all this and not make a fatal mistake like sitting two dons who very publicly declared they wanted to kill each other one next to another.
The truth was there was a lot of ‘politics’ into this wedding. Gino’s grandfather has warned us that he had very high expectations for this event. He expected to see tradition and the name of the family he loved so much to be celebrated and honored. Gino told me to not worry about it but how could I not? I didn’t want to be the dumb stripper who pissed off Galliano Nucci and dragged the Nucci name through the mud. I was so stressed about it, I started practicing my walk in the bathroom every night, making sure I looked graceful and didn’t trip over my own feet, since Galliano will be the one walking me down the aisle.
“Muse, planning your wedding was the greatest gift you could’ve ever given me. The only way I could be happier would be,” she raised her voice, “If I’d been planning my own wedding!”
“Hugo’s not here, Cat.”
“I know, but everyone else will tell him.” She told him herself, but Hugo believed that she was too young for such a big step and I completely agreed with him. Catherinelle was only eighteen years old, and I was happy she was with someone who put her interests above himself, although I was not surprised. Hugo loved her with such intensity, sometimes I could see that love radiating from him. “God, I can’t believe it’s finally happening. Can you believe it, Mom? Someone is finally going to marry your annoying son. He’s out of our hair.”
“Catherinelle, be nice to your brother,” Simona replied, “at least for today. Please.”
“I’m joking, Mom. I love him and I’m so happy for him it’s hard to contain myself. And I’m happy for you too, Muse. I love you guys so much.”
“Love you too, Cat.” Married to Gino or not, this girl was my sister, and her presence in my life filled a little of the void that losing my brother left in my heart.
“You are perfect for Gino. Starting tomorrow, Muse, you’ll be the queen of our world, standing to the right of the most powerful man in this part of the country. I can guarantee you, every woman at your wedding will be so damn jealous, babe, because they want what you have. You will reign over everyone.”
I listened to her, and tried to put on a brave face and a smile, but my mouth suddenly went dry. Reign? Was I ready for that? Did I want that? Heavy hangs the head, right?
I always knew being with Gino wouldn’t be easy in the long run. All the socializing was exhausting and even if we were always surrounded by people – and most of them I loved – it was still a little lonely. I couldn’t just go out and make friends, because I never knew if it was safe to talk to them or it was just another person looking to take Gino down. Every time I had a problem or a doubt, I had to talk with his friends, his family, his people. The Nuccis have taken me in as if I was one of their own by birth, but at the end of the day, they were Gino’s tribe.
I started to feel hot and the agitation made me get up to my feet.
“Simona, do you mind if I go up to the bedroom for a second? I need some time to myself.” She looked at me, surprised, and I cursed my tongue. The last thing I wanted was to offend her.
“Sure, dear, I’ll help you with the veil. Remember that you have to be back in twenty minutes. The photographer will be here and he wants to take some portraits of you before we go to church.”
“Aha.”
I basically ran behind the door of my bedroom and shut the door behind me, leaning back on it without caring about my stupid veil. I just needed a moment for myself, to catch my breath and put my thoughts in order. I need a moment without everyone being around me, touching me, poking me, and powdering my nose. A moment. I just needed a moment.
I put my hand on my chest and started counting my breaths while pacing around the room. Inside the walls of my bedroom, I did start to feel a little more at peace. This was my safe space. This is where I woke up every day with the man of my life right next to me, sharing the same pillow. His shirt from yesterday was still thrown on my vanity table and the sheets were a mess because we made love between them just this morning.
I didn’t have cold feet because I loved him so much, it was impossible to explain. I wanted to be with him forever. My life was sealed to Gino Nucci’s, but this wedding affair was crushing me. I shouldn’t feel like that, right? Like I’m not good enough to be his bride? All I could think about were all those eyes looking in my direction, everyone expecting something from me.
