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He scoops me close to him before the tears fall; I look ridiculous, squished against him, sobbing, with an uneaten pizza crust in my hand. “You’re not alone.”
“I will be. She only has a few months left. A year, maybe. And then—” Gram’s always been my biggest cheerleader. She’s fought for me and given me my career. She’s been my best friend for more than a decade, and I’m racked with grief at the thought of life without her.
“You still have your parents.” He rubs my arm.
“Are you kidding? They’re off doing their own things. I don’t even know if they know the title of my last book.”
“You have your friends.” He pulls me closer.
“I don’t have friends. I have acquaintances.”
“Am I not your friend?”
I search his eyes. I don’t know what we are, frankly, and I want a clue from him.
“You have me, Gwen. If you want me.”
That’s it: the magic words, like a hypnotist’s phrase to put me in the same trance I was in last night, an outright admission. I twist, curling my arms around him, and find his lips with mine. He returns the kiss, hesitantly at first, then deeply and fully.
“We shouldn’t do this,” he says. Our lips part briefly, but then I’m back against him again.
“We should,” I answer, as my hand reaches to cup him between his legs. “I need to feel close to you.”
He winces when I make contact, finishing a long kiss, pulling my hand off of him. “Not like this, baby.”
There’s that ‘baby’ again, and it drives me completely wild for him. “Why not? I need you, Sawyer. Let’s go back to your room, okay? We can be alone, and you can just make all this go away for a little.” I lunge toward his lips again, but he flinches away and keeps me at arm’s length.
“Gwen, stop.” He raises his voice just enough to let me know he means it. “I am here to listen, or to talk, or to sit in silence if that’s what you need. But I am not going to let you use me just to numb the pain. That’s not good for either of us.”
It’s awkward. More than that—it’s humiliating—sitting here with him stiff-arming me. He’s supposed to want this, too. “Why did you even come here?”
“I told you, I wanted to be here in case you needed anything.”
“What I need is a distraction, Sawyer.”
“Okay. So let’s go play mini-golf, or get coffee, or watch the belly-flop competition. Those are all distractions.”
“You know what I mean. I need to be with you. You said I have you if I want you, and right now I really, really do.”
He lowers the hand that holds mine and interlocks our fingers together, examining them as he rubs his knit brows. His expression softens with worry when he speaks. “I’m sorry that you’re going through so much. I want to help, Gwen. I really do. But this casual, meaningless thing is the one thing I can’t give to you.” He deposits my hand on my own knee and rises, heading for the door.
“So that’s it? You’re leaving me, too?” The angry tears are back, a byproduct of the furor in my chest. “I need one thing from you, Sawyer. One. Little. Thing. And instead, you’re bailing on me. Just like everyone else.” I march after him, but he spins around, facing me.
“Let’s be very clear about one thing, Gwendolyn.” The sudden use of my full name startles me. It sounds cold and distant, not at all matching what comes next. “I’m not bailing on you. I’m bailing on this terrible idea. What you’re asking for is not some insignificant thing. And if you weren’t so damn stubborn, I would give you so much more.” He looks down at me with brown, puddly eyes.
“Just—go.” I gesture toward the door, and he dips his head before trudging to it and down the hall.
Sawyer
Maggie and Nan find me on the pool deck, two drinks into an incomplete workout, and slide into the cushioned seats around me. Silently we watch the waves rise and fall, like we’re parents watching a sleeping newborn’s chest.
Finally, someone speaks. “I’m so sorry, Sawyer. This is all my fault.” It’s Maggie, her eyes sincere, her expression soft.
“It’s not, Maggie.”
“Why would you say such a thing?” Nan asks. Her eyes brim with tears.
“I should have told her. Months ago, I should have told her. And I shouldn’t have lied to her about this trip, or about you, Sawyer.” She shakes her head and purses her lips. “I really screwed up. And I’m sorry.”
